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How To Deal With an Obsessive Ex That Won’t Leave You Alone

There are certain people who just can’t handle being dumped. They go crazy. They hate losing their “control” and “power” over their partners.

Recently my good friend ended an abusive relationship. Thankfully he realised he was in a relationship with a narcissist and that his only way forward was without her. Soon after the relationship ended, he found a new partner — he was ecstatic, he was just about to ride off into the sunset with his sweetheart.

There was one issue — his ex flattered his tires so he was unable to drive that far.

You see, my friend’s ex was always a toxic person, she was good at manipulating and presenting herself in a different light, while she was truly something else — obsessively dangerous. Subtly she re-entered his life again, trying to cause havoc in his new stable and loving marriage.

It took her only 6 months to re-emerge from the bottom of the TAR-pit and start spreading rumours about his new wife. She has gone to their children’s school and accused my friend’s new partner of horrible things: she alleged his new partner is endangering his children and has spread rumours about her, such as her being institutionalised.

He has confronted his ex-wife on many occasions, pleading with her to let them be alone and stop using children as a tool to get back to him. Yes, he has children with his ex. However, she doesn’t want to listen — she is getting worse.

She calls him frequently, even though they agreed to only communicate via email. She intrudes into his privacy — she wishes to know what his plans are with his new wife, asking their children to spy on them and then report back to her.

His ex is highly destructive but somehow she managed to survive so far. She reminds me of a lizard — chameleon, she can adapt to any situation, she knows how to blend in and portray herself as innocent, and no one would suspect that she is a narcissist. But if you look closely enough, you can catch that snake off guard.

My friend feels threatened, but at the same time he doesn’t know what to do — he has children with his ex-wife. You see, his ex doesn’t take “NO” for an answer, but he doesn’t want to escalate things to the police.

He has asked her multiple times to stop calling him on the phone — she still calls. He asked her not to show up at his doorstep, she does anyway. Recently the camera has caught her spying on their house: her car was parked in front of his house when his new partner approached his ex — she drove off.

He asked her to limit the conversations only to issues that are related to their children; she still sends him messages and emails asking about his private life.

Lately, she has withheld children from him in order to receive a “response” from him, to cause trouble.

Who Is An Obsessive Ex?

Obsessive people are those who just can’t let go of the past — they are unable to accept that the relationship is OVER. They call, visit, argue, cling on — they are unable to “leave” their ex-partner alone. These people are unwell, they can suffer from narcissistic, borderline and other disorders.

They’re following, stalking or threatening their ex-partner. They can even vandalise belongings, or escalate to violence. Left unaddressed, in extreme cases, tragedy can happen.

It is important to recognize this in its early stages and take action. At first, “stalking ”might be harmless, involving actions like calling you or sending text messages. However, the obsessor may start feeling more “confident” and their behaviour might worsen.

They will force communication that you don’t want.

If your ex is doing the following things, you may be a victim of an Obsessor:

  • Texting or calling you when you told them NOT to do so.
  • Showing up at your doorstep when you told them NOT to do so.
  • Giving you gifts when you told them NOT to do so.
  • Contact your family and friends and gather information about you.
  • Spreading rumors or posting information about you and your new partner.
  • Refusing to leave you alone when you have asked them to.

How Do You Protect Yourself?

When dealing with an obsessive ex, you have multiple options on how to move forward.

  1. Put up with it and act as if they don’t exist — block them and cut all conversations ( grey rock them).
  2. Seek therapy and support from professionals.
  3. Stand up to the ex and hope that they might change (which they won’t).
  4. Keep a record of all nasty, unwanted  incidents and report them to the police.
  5. Move away and start a new life.

Whatever you choose to do, try to stick by it — don’t fall into the trap of thinking that the Obsessor might change, they might only seem to “stop” trailing you, but the truth is they are just resting, waiting for you to get comfortable so they can cause turmoil in your life when you least expect it.

Stay strong and remember that the only way that the ex or any other person can truly bother you is when you allow them to!

Mila – PMH

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