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Men's Health

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Toxic Ex

My friend is happily married to a man who has a child. He is a devoted and loving father who sought full custody of the children; the court denied his petition.

His two children are living with their narcissistic mother who actively alienates the children from their father. His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling, and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.

The relationship lasted for a few months, and they broke up. A few weeks later, my friend’s ex showed up pregnant. She told him that this may be her only shot at having children because of some (alleged) pre-existing conditions; understandably, he took the responsibility and tried to work things out with her.

When the ex was five (5) months pregnant, he caught her snorting speed with her ex-boyfriend in his house. She was out. He sought full custody but was given only 50/50.

His ex never got over him — or rather, the idea of having him nearby and helping her emotionally and financially. He was her narcissistic supply. Last year, he married my good friend, and his ex-did everything she could to separate the two of them.

My good friend went – and continues to go – through hell because of her husband’s ex. In an ideal world, no one should be forced to deal with their ex-spouses or ex-partners. The past should stay in the past.

We don’t live in the ideal world.

Mila

It’s impossible for the ex to just disappear, especially when he has children with her who he loves dearly. My friend’s husband grey rocks his narcissistic ex, but she keeps showing up.My friend and her spouse moved away — his ex-still stalks them online and uses the children to gather all the information about their whereabouts and life.

The fact is that the obsessive, narcissistic ex is not going anywhere.

What can my friend do when she and her partner are doomed to have this woman in their lives until the kids are adults?

Don’t play the game of the obsessive ex-partner.

If your partner’s ex is causing you to have problems in your relationship, you may feel like jumping in and saving him from the drama. Instead, try your best to resist getting involved. Narcissists and toxic people crave attention. Don’t reward their belligerence and harassment by giving more attention than absolutely necessary.

If possible, act as if she doesn’t exist at all.

Stay focused, with your partner, on his children — the ex-doesn’t matter. Her anger will kill her soon, anyway. You can’t control her, but you can control how you choose to react to her nonsense — and the best reaction is no reaction.

Defend yourself with silence.

If you think about things she has done, remember that you are giving in to her. Instead, you should focus on meditating and improving your own life. Let the ex-burry herself in her own misery.

Focus on your partner at all times.

Never let the ex-partner come between the relationship between you and your partner. Remember, that’s exactly what that woman wants to happen.

Your relationship comes first, sometimes even above his children — you two are the only chance to show the kids what a loving relationship looks like.

Have date nights, build a future, and have fun. Don’t waste time talking about the ex. Instead, focus on keeping your love and improving your communication skills. Very often, obsessive exes can bring the couple closer together and make them realize how much they love each other.

No ex can stand in your way. When you focus on just you two, you will become bulletproof. The ex can keep firing in vain. I speak from experience.

Support each other, but also take breaks when you can.

Sometimes your partner will need to talk about the ex, and unfortunately, during those times it would be best if you practice sympathy — don’t dismiss his feelings. You are his closest friend, confidante, and the love of his life; sometimes, he will need to confide in you.

Don’t get upset — be ready to listen to him. Be his reassurance and support. Let him know you’re on his side, no matter what.

Sometimes, it would be wise for both of you to know how to step back from the drama and learn to enjoy the moment. Both of you need to practice self-care. The obsessive ex is an energy vampire. Don’t let them suck you dry.

When you want to rant about the ex, confide in your friends or therapists. Find a safe space where you can say words that won’t come back to haunt you and where you won’t feel judged or censored.

Being in a relationship can be tricky; but being in a relationship with someone who has to deal with a crazy, obsessive ex is even more challenging. It is not impossible to manage; remember, the ex doesn’t matter.

The children will grow up and make up their own minds about their obsessive mother/ father. Always remember that she/he is part of his/her past — but you’re the future, and so are the children.

Mila

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